Walking on Eggshells

Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with a group of friends I haven’t seen in a while. We were friends ever since maybe 12 years old. Oh, they’re the friends I made from the temple when I was younger in my “Sunday” entry. I haven’t seen them in maybe half a year. We used to have group calls on the phone a lot last year, but this year had been a little dry due to conflicts.

Let me introduce you to them! Their names will represent their most prominent quality. Smartie- she’s studying neuroscience an actually is moving to the country’s capital pretty soon to work for the government (it's something official and science-y but I can’t really remember full details). Me and her are the same age and we had many classes together in school. Baby-, she’s the youngest of all of us. She and Smartie are sisters. I’m not that close with Baby. Boss Man- (I don’t want to name her ‘Bossy’ because that has a bad connotation), she’s the eldest and usually is the one to confirm plans, help us with airplane tickets, or booking anything in general.

They’re all good to me…on paper. Smartie was actually the one that found me during my suicide attempt. They’ve all helped me and done things for me with great intentions, it’s just, in the more recent times we’ve talked or met up, my feelings keep getting hurt. I won’t lie and say I’ve done nothing wrong or that I’ve been the perfect friend, but sometimes I feel like the things they get mad at or annoyed at by me are out of my control. It’s very small things they complain about, but I feel like if I try and argue back or explain my reasoning, it’ll just create more animosity.

For example, in one situation, we were going out to try a new restaurant. While waiting for a table, we looked through the menu online so when we get our table, we can put our order in straight away. In my other friend group, we would look at anything that looks appetizing to us and list them out. That way, we could cross-reference each other’s lists and if there were any matches, we’d order the dish to share with everyone. Maybe complicated when written out like this, but it’s very much like, “Ooo I want this, this, and this looks good,” and another friend would chime in, “You wanna try that one? Me too. Let’s get it.” Or another friend would go, “Oh really? I was looking at that one, that one, and that one.” I guess I was clueless and brought in that habit to this friend group.

I said out loud, “I want to eat this one, this one, and this one.”

Smartie snapped back and said something along the lines of “Wow Lia. Way to only think about yourself. Okay, if you want to eat those so badly then order it and eat it by yourself, and we’ll [the other 3 girls] share our foods within ourselves.”

Because of how little we actually meet up, I didn’t realize the other girls’ methods of eating out together was different. For them, they were looking at the menu together and making decisions as a whole group. “What should we get?’ or, “We should get one of each so we can taste each of them.” (emphasize on 'we') I realized how I probably came off to them, but I didn’t want to explain myself. Seeing how quick they were to snap at me, I thought that just staying quiet would help deescalate the situation the fastest.

There’s just been a lot of those small types of conflicts recently. I said something that wasn’t received by others the way I intended it to, they would get mad, and I wouldn’t want to defend myself in hopes the situation would be dropped and the mood of the group would stay happy. There were times I did try to explain myself, but they would get very defensive and would think I was lying or trying to make up an excuse to not look so bad. I’ve heard sayings of ‘no one does it for just no reason’ so there’s probably something I did before that made them so distrustful of me/my explanations. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I wouldn’t defend myself and just accepted defeat, that they really do think I would be so selfish and self-serving. I mean, I have stated it on here before, that I’m a selfish bitch, but I really don’t think I’m like that when I’m with them.

I don’t know anymore. Smartie is very blunt and straightforward. Any little thing that bothers her, she won’t be afraid to speak up about it. Boss Man sticks to her beliefs and never doubts herself. They all have nice, empowering traits (ones that I lack) and are always sure of themselves. It’s great when you need their help or input, but it’s difficult when those same traits are working against your favor. Boss Man is usually the one that accuses me of lying. I try to convince her I’m not, but if she’s already made up her mind on a subject, she refuses to back down on her stance.

Baby is a little bit more like me. When we were younger, she’d be the most afraid to speak up about something she doesn’t like. Over the years, I’ve actually seen her grow out of those habits. Now, she won’t be so hesitant to give her input or tell us if she dislikes something. In a situation like this however, if it was between me and Baby, she has her sister to back her up and fight for her.

There are more specific examples like this but it’s just too much to bring up and too many details to write. Don’t worry, I won’t be shy to admitting my mistakes either. If I ever make a post about the ways they’ve made me feel, I’ll include situations where I was the bad guy too, because I don’t want you guys to get a skewed point of view on me where its like ‘I’m just so nice and caring and everyone is a bitch to me for no reason’.

It’s just now, I feel like I’m on eggshells with them. If I’m too negative, I get a “Dang Lia, why’d you have to say it like that,” or if I try to change and be positive, I get a “It’s not that deep, Lia.” If I try to be honest and tell them I feel uncomfortable about driving around new areas (also because of my track record of car crashes, I really don’t trust myself behind the wheel), Boss Man would get defensive and say, “Oh but you can drive to the beach for your other friends?” (none of those friends could drive and I’ve been to that beach maybe 4 times before). Then, in the same breath, when I would suck it up and offer to drive the whole way, I’m met with a “Wow, Lia. Why do you want to drive so bad?” from Smartie.

I feel like I can’t do anything right with them. No matter how I try to change for them, they’ll always find something to nitpick at. It makes me scared to even want to talk to them. I don’t want them to get angry anymore, and I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m being cornered. At times, I feel like I don’t want to even be friends with them because every time we call or meet, my feelings always get hurt in some type of big or small way.

There was a time when they got annoyed by some of my habits or quirks. Those were just habits I can’t control. Sometimes I’d catch myself doing it, and I’d try to stop because I know they don’t like it, but some slip out. In my other friend group, nobody had any issues with it so I never got rid of the habits. So, the whole group just stopped in the middle of our meal and imitated me so “you can know how we feel”. When I said something, they’d all repeat my words right after. When I reached for a piece of sushi, they’d do it right after, too. When I stuttered, they’d mock me and do the same. It was so hard to not cry in front of them. I don’t think they even knew what they were doing made me feel so hurt. I tried my best to just laugh at the situation like “Haha you guys are so funny. Haha yea I do, do that. I’m so annoying haha.” Every minute more they were doing it made me break inside. At one point in the meal, all I could do was stop talking, so that way they couldn’t repeat any of my words or mock me. Then, after being silent, they found a reason to nitpick the way I hold my chopsticks. It’s not even like we were little kids when this happened. It was 6 months ago when everyone was 21 or 22. They genuinely thought they were being so hilarious for doing this, but I didn’t want to speak up because I saw everyone having fun and I didn’t want to ruin their mood.

Some people will read this and think they’re terrible people and that I should just stop being friends with them, but it’s not that simple. Even for all the bad things they’ve did to me, they’ve also helped me in more ways than I could’ve imagined. When I was lonely, they’d keep me company and hang out with me. Whenever I had a situation at work or with my family, they always lent me their ears and a shoulder to cry on. And also, my mom is friends with their moms. So even if I wanted to leave, it’d put my mom in a tough spot.

It’s funny because out of maybe the 10 years we’ve been friends, I remember there was a time I felt this exact same way from how they treated me, and I stopped being in contact with them for about a year. After a while, I forgot why I didn’t like them and got in touch with them again. I made an excuse of, “Oh I was just too sensitive back then.” I thought I was the problem. All of those friends are “good kids” as the adults at the temple would say. One’s studying neuroscience, another is into orthodontics, and another is a medical assistant, and I’m just me. No aspirations, no goals, and I regularly got in trouble at temple when we were younger because I always ran away from all the sessions. I thought, “They’re good kids so they can’t possibly be the problem. It must be me.” But now, I don’t know anymore.

I know that right now, I don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Smartie is leaving to her new job that's across the country in 2 weeks. I just have to keep smiling until then. Afterwards, the group probably won’t meet up as much, so I can finally make my leave without making a scene. Probably will blame it on ‘naturally growing apart’. I’m terrified for tomorrow, but I’ll keep you guys posted.

TLDR: I’m meeting my friends tomorrow but I don’t like them. I just need to pretend to smile for 2 more weeks until one of them leaves.