Turning Old

As bad as it sounds, when I was younger (~12-13 years old) I really wanted to be sexually used. I'm definitely against child pornography and I don't want to see any at all, but it's just that I grew up being told that I was ugly. In grade school, no boys ever had a crush on me, I was never hit on, and got my first boyfriend when I was 17. That year, I'd lost a shit ton of weight and learned how to apply makeup so I gained friends and a boyfriend almost instantly. That didn't change all the acts I did when I was younger though. At 12 was when I learned what porn and sex was. A month or two later, I learned what Omegle was, and after that, introduced me to Kik. At 12-13 years old, I was sending nude photos to myself to 45+ year old men (without my face in it ofc) all because they told me I was hot, pretty, and sexy. Growing up fat and with Asian parents, I was degraded almost everyday by my dad and told that I was too fat to be pretty, and if I was ugly, then no boy would like me and I'd die alone. As an impressionable tween that grew up watching princess Disney movies, their degradation left a deep imprint on my mind that I was undesirable and unlovable. All of the sudden on KIk, I'd see those 45+ year old men as knights in shining armor and my heart would literally flutter if one of those men called me sexy for every masturbation video that I sent.

As I continued to grow up, I had on and off interactions with those types of people on Kik. I'd do it every time my parents shot me down or if I was simply just horny. All the way up until 17 (when I got my first boyfriend), I would secretly be so jealous seeing every other girl/woman walking down the street getting cat called. I'd think to myself "Am I not worth it?" Or if I saw any cases of women getting raped, I'd also be jealous, thinking that I wish it was me that got raped (that's on my hyper-sexual CNC side) and also think to myself "Am I so ugly, no one wants to rape me?"

When I had a boyfriend, for about the 3 months we were together, we had SO much sex. It was pretty vanilla and boring though. I never came and never actually came until this one guy I met when I was 18, but my relationship with that guy was short-lived as well. Because my first boyfriend was a nerd and also seemed kind of vanilla, I never knew how to bring up my kinky side to him. Like how could I gently lay it on him that I want to be choked and used as a cum dumpster? Anyways that's besides the point. After 18, I was back to being alone, all the way up till 22 (now). The weight I lost in high school came back (+ more). Back then I was maybe ~160 pounds (definitely not thin, but was considered "curvy") and now I'm a gargantuan at ~250 pounds. No this isn't some stupid incel story about "guys only go for skinny bitches" or "everyone hates fat people". I know being 250 pounds is a goddamn problem and if I lost half the weight, then I'd probably be decently pretty. If you've ever seen those photos of fat asian babies with forearms in the shape of Hawaiian rolls and tiny chinky coin slots for eye slits, yea, that's exactly what I look like but 5'7.

It's just that I think about losing the weight, but realize that I'm going to be in a completely different pool. I think that I missed my prime being in my teens. If I lose all the weight, it'll take me a minimum of 2-3 years. By then, I'll be ~25 years old. I think by that time, I'll be too OLD to be considered desirable. Even now at 22, I think I'm too old. The male human mind isn't going to change. They're still going to prey on young girls and I have first hand experience of that. I just want to feel desirable, but it seems like I'm too disgusting for anyone to even want to touch me. Sexually, I always loved the idea of being young, taken advantage of, and powerless, but now, even if I get "pretty", I'm no longer young.
At least when I was younger I had those pedos coming after me.

TLDR: I think I'm ugly so no one wants me :)