Stuck Between Two Places

I don’t even know how to think. I find living life so perplexing. In one sense, I’d prefer to live alone, but in another, I want to feel the joys of being surrounded by friends. If I live alone, I can promise myself that no one can hurt, betray, or abandon me. It’s not like living alone seems like a sad situation for me. I’d find it peaceful. I can manage. But, every little instance I get to have the feeling of being in a group and being happy, always tempts me and deludes my mind.

I know of the pros and cons, so that’s why staying forever alone is the easiest answer with all pros. The way I’ve been hurt my being friends with Baby, Boss Man, and Smartie or the way I’ve felt abandoned when another friend group just grew out of each other, are all scars I’ll indefinitely carry with me. I know how bad those feeling are, but I can’t help myself from remembering how good the highs felt. When everyone would laugh together in a long car ride or struggle playing videos games against each other, are all good memories that will equally stay with me. Why can’t I just let myself be treated like that? If I let everyone step on me and chew me out, at least I can come back with some good memories. There might not be a lot, but isn’t some better than none?

Ever since the day I played hooky at school, I’ve been coming back to my ‘Power of Friendship’ post. It’s so stupid, but reading it brings me to tears. I was so vulnerable and sincere in that post, so I guess reading it again just brings back the wave of memory and emotions.

Sometimes, when we’re outside by ourselves shopping, running errands, or doing anything, we might see other people. People that look happier than us; romantic couples, a big group of friends laughing with each other, or families swinging their baby between their arms. Looking at them sometimes makes me so jealous. But who am I even jealous of? I don’t know anything about them or who they are, and yet watching them being happy makes me feel more pitiful for my sad pathetic life. It makes me think, “Why can’t I have what they have?” But, we should also think about what those people had to go through to get what they have now. At some point, they all had to put more effort in themselves and being social. How many times has that girl or guy been on shitty dates to finally find the love of their life? How many bad people did this person have to befriend before finally finding a group of people that can love and respect her for who she is?

It’s idiotic to be jealous of others and want what they have without doing anything in your life to change it. It’s like how I bring up how much of a fat ugly bitch I am. I can’t be on here and complain that one wants to date me if I’m at least not doing something to change myself. At least I’m self-aware in that sense. Anyways, this whole jumble is to reiterate my question. Should I try to make friends again? If I do, there’s no doubt that I’ll get hurt again. Or should I give up now? If I do, then I can’t complain about not having any friends.

It’s difficult for me because I’m someone that can’t let go. I hold on to grudges to the very bitter end, and I always try to hold on to the happy memories. In a situation where others have let go of the string and have continued on with their business, I’m still there on the other side gripping on for dear life. I know that if I try to make friends again and get hurt all the same, it’s going to absolutely destroy me.

But what if it works out? But what if it doesn’t? But what if it does? But what if it doesn’t?

TLDR: anti-social wants to be social but not too social.