Quarterly Evaluations: An Identity Crisis

I had my Q3 eval today with my company-given coach. It wasn’t well. The issues I were focusing on improving needed more improvement and there were issues I neglected due to being so hyper focused on the other handful of situations. After each talk with her, it makes me feel worse about myself. 

“I was struggling in that category, too? I didn’t even know there was a category that even existed.”

(1) I have issues asking others for help- though not as bad as she thinks. When she starts going on her speech about how I need to communicate better in order to more efficiently and effectively drive results, I nod and listen. As right as she is, honestly I felt I communicated better this quarter, but I don’t tell her. I feel like if I bring it up now, it will just sound like an excuse and that I’m back tracking. That’s a mistake on my part. She’s there to help me further my career and she can’t do that if I don’t tell her the truth.

(2) I have issues maintaining professionalism at work. My words are careless and I keep running into scenarios where I don’t think twice about the consequences of my actions. She described it as, “It’s like you’re jumping around in the middle of a forest just going ‘la la la’ and not realizing all the sparks you’re setting off and the fires they’re creating behind,” and in contrast, she has to run behind me and do damage control for everything I’ve caused.

Honestly at times, she seemed frustrated and annoyed. These were issues she’s pointed out to me before but I didn’t take them as seriously nor heeded to her advice/warnings. It wasn’t on purpose. Throughout the year, I’ve been more focused on other issues I have at hand like improving my efficiency on work papers, improving my retention skills of what instructions were given out, and draining myself to proving that I was a reliable and capable team member. In her eyes, although there was some work made for those other areas, it’s frustrating that I couldn’t take all of her advice into account, therefore wasting her time, breath, energy, and care in me. I hate doing that to her.

I look up to this coach a lot. Plenty of the people in my company are terrified of her and say she’s “mean”, others describe her as “blunt” due to her language barrier as a Chinese-American woman. I prefer her bluntness. I feel the only way I can grow is if I know what’s wrong with me. Other managers or supervisors in the company are too soft. It’s difficult for them to bring up your shortcomings in fear of hurting our feelings. I don’t care about that. I think if you’re too comfortable, then you’re not trying hard enough. And, as blunt as she is, I do know she does it out of care.

But with those two issues mentioned above in mind, it making me doubt myself. She described my image as a cute, fresh out of college, happy-go-lucky, naive girl. Someone who wears their emotions on their sleeves. While, initially I believed this persona of mine could help me open up to other coworkers a lot quicker, it’s considered unfavorable in the professional world. “Don’t you want to be taken seriously as a mature, poised business woman?” If I stay as I am, how will new employees learn to take me seriously? How can some happy-go-lucky dimwit lead a group of even worse dimwits to the finish line later on in my career?

My turmoil in asking others for help stems from my fear of being an annoyance and a burden. I get scared being a bother towards them so I try my best to resolve the issue myself. Of course, this just means it takes a lot longer for me to complete my papers therefore also hindering my growth in efficiency.

As a combat to these two main issues it leads me to wonder- can I just throw away my emotions? Can I just be a robot? Who cares how many times I get stuck? If I go according to the company handbook and spend more than 15-20 minutes spinning my wheels, I should just give up, ask, and move on to the next. Whether the recipient does get annoyed or not, it doesn’t matter. In the end, are we not looking at the driven result? Are we not looking at the quality and quantity of work completed in a timely manner? Does anybody in the end care about the hurdles we had to go through to finish these reports? Can I not just be a mute robot at work? Only spoken when spoken to. Being able to throw away my nerves and keep my cool when speaking to other company executives. Keep any nervous or even enthusiastic emotions at bay. If others can’t tell when I’m happy, then they shouldn’t be able to tell when I’m bothered either.

Transforming Lia into Lina.

But, I can’t let go of Lia. Though I’m hard on her, she’s me and I love having her. I like being so happy at work because I also see my other coworkers happy and out of their professional shell if I allow to show everyone else my lowered walls. The cute pins and keychains I decorate on my purple-pink work bag help me feel safer in such a dull work environment. Being able to look at what I love and having a remembrance from a representation of who I am while trapped in a monotonous environment during busy season and overspending nights just staring at the screen gives me solace during those dreary nights. But it’s exactly those characteristics that leads others to find me childish.

Who is Lina?

Someone that utilizes the grey company-label backpack that was given to her on her first day at work. Someone that doesn’t jump up and down and rush towards their close coworkers. Someone levelheaded in front of partners and clients, breathes between her words, and has no issue introducing herself to strangers. No hint of emotion behind her words. Someone underlings will fear but be praised by those above her.

I know such an extreme change isn’t needed but is this method not the most effective and efficient? It leads me to ponder which is more worth it; (1) stay as I am and make those gradual life changes knowing I may still be subject to the same criticism, or (2) make the extreme change and become the corporate puppet our company executives will love AND THEN gradually incorporate back the color into my career until I find that perfect balance? Lia turning into Lina while staying true to herself or being Lina with a remembrance of who Lia was?