Late Night Thoughts

Do you guys ever wonder about leaving everything behind and moving to a completely different country and cutting off contact with everyone?

I don’t think I’m in a healthy state of mind to make any new friends or to be in a relationship. Being with Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man has messed me up in some way. I keep second guessing myself; thinking I’m a bother to everyone in the club, thinking everyone there secretly hates me, thinking everyone is talking badly about me behind my back. Until I can be okay with myself physically and mentally, I shouldn’t make new friends. As tempting as it is, people are not there for you to be your personal emotional trash can. I can’t put so much pressure on my future friends. Also, as much as I complain about being overweight, there’s only two solutions; learn to love it and not care about what anyone thinks (that’s unhealthy for my body), or go to the gym and lose weight until I’m happy with myself. My future boyfriend also doesn’t deserve to be with someone that keeps second guessing herself. So I guess this answers my previous post. Not for a lifetime, but until I’m okay with myself, I should stay secluded. I need to practice being a better person before I start meeting new people and putting all may worries onto them. That’s not fair and not a nice thing to do. My happiness shouldn’t be fulfilled by other people’s opinions of me, and I need to stop putting other people on such a pedestal.

I’m meeting Club President on Tuesday. It was supposed to be like a small meeting for an event I have coming up. I’m supposed to plan an “Etiquette Dinner” which is basically an excuse for members to go eat out at a fancy restaurant and put it all on the club’s tab. It’s supposed to be a workshop of “What’s the correct fork to use so you don’t look like a fool in front of business partners?” Last semester, the bill came out to $3000 for just the food, plus an extra $1000 for the etiquette trainer we hired, and an extra maybe $500 for the photographer. Guess what’s the budget for this semester? $2000!!! How am I going to cut all of this down to just $2000? Oh and to make it worse, the officer in charge of social events accidentally booked a corn maze social on the same day. I’m probably going to have to change the date for my event instead. Anyways, Club President and I are going out for lunch somewhere near her house and are gonna discuss about what to do. As nice as she is, I think I’ll have to limit contact with her in the future if I’m going to stick to my whole “no friends until I’m healthy” mindset. Same probably goes with the other club members. It’s a shame since I’ve been getting closer to a few of them, but I do catch myself second guessing if they have pure intentions. I better snip all of this at the bud and just focus on myself until my mindset changes. I’m sure none of them are bad people, but I can’t stop myself from thinking that everyone hates me.

That being said, I hope this way of thinking doesn’t spread over to my friendships with Pretty and Metal. I love them to pieces and it would break me to start thinking that they hate my presence. For now, I’m still very close to Pretty and Metal. I have very healthy relationships with them and I’d like to keep it that way. Any problem I have with them, I can calmly talk it out, and any problem they have with me, can be calmly resolved, too. Their birthday’s are this month so I should probably treat them out for something.

As for Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man, this would be a bit harder. We’ve been friends for so long and our families know each other so well that before this year, I never would’ve imagined not wanting to be their friends any more. I’ve been able to slowly pull back these past few months. They’re still sending memes and TikToks in the group chat, but I barely respond with a laughing emoji. I think they can feel it, too, but they’re trying to pretend everything’s normal. Boss Man has stopped liking about 90% of my Instagram posts and everything I do with them just feels so insincere. It’s so nicely cookie-cutter to the point of feeling artificial. Barely any jokes are made. It feels like…LinkedIn? Where everyone is fake happy/nice and putting up a front.

The reason why I don’t blow up at them is because I feel like I deserve their mean treatment. I’ve said before that I’ve been a bad friend to them as well. This is why I just take all their hits now. Kind of like karma. One example was when we were all at a music festival. We’ve been standing for about 4 hours in the summer heat. I didn’t want to stay and see the last two performers, and I saw that Baby was getting uncomfortable in the crowd, too. I came up with a plan that Baby and I could leave to the hotel first while the other two could stay to finish out the festival. The other two also said they wanted to leave, so we made a plan to leave. We were actually really close to the stage and in the middle of the crowd. I thought Boss Man was going to lead the way out, but all the girls turned over to me to take the lead (probably because I’m the tallest). Smartie shouted for me to go, but I got scared. I don’t like taking leadership roles and I hate the feeling of bothering other people, so the thought of being the leader to push and shove other people to move out of the way scared me. I could’ve just asked one of the other girls to go first instead, but I was scared of getting scolded at by Smartie with something along the lines of, “Why can’t you just go? It’s not that big of a deal. Ugh you’re so annoying” So, I gaslit Smartie. I told her I didn’t want to leave and wanted to watch the rest of the performance. Because of me, the rest of the girls had to stand in the musty crowd for an extra 2 or 3 hours. I was having fun watching the performances. I enjoyed it. It’s just that because my feet were killing me, I just had a stoic expression on my face the whole time, and that probably added more fuel into their fire.

See, I’m not a good person.

Anyways, I think I’ll keep slowly pulling away from them just like I have been. It hurts because at one point in time, they were who kept me alive when I was suicidal, and it was actually Smartie that found me and saved me when I attempted back a few years ago. But now, they’re the reason I want to run and hide for no one to ever find me. We used to be a group that’d plan our future weddings together and who’d be who’s maid of honor. Maybe a bit overzealous, but nothing seemed so wrong when we were a group of people that have been in each other’s lives for over a decade.

TLDR: Lonely stupid bitch is staying alone until further notice.