Icarus with His Wax Wings: Happier Days

You know, I originally began this diary because I was at a difficult point in life. I wasn’t suicidal, and even when I was, I never felt as lonely as I did that day when I made my AnonBlog account. Of course, my initial posts didn’t display my loneliness at first, but I guess I didn’t want to seem too pathetic. I made the account after that birthday fiasco when everyone canceled on me. Other than those girls, it just seemed like other people in my life that were once there had suddenly disappeared. Not gone from my life completely, but things changed.

For Smartie, Baby, and Boss Man, they were once the girls that grounded me for a good chunk of my life. But now, the problems we had that I once used to ignore, snowballed into such a catastrophic episode. I was wrong, too. Maybe if I defended myself better and stood my ground, I could at least let them understand my way of thinking. Instead, I always bottled it up and let them think of me in the worst ways because I hated arguing. To be fair, it’s also really difficult for me to argue since I cry really easily and that makes it difficult to get the point across. And, to not play the victim card, I will also say I have gaslit them on multiple occasions.

For my 2022 friend group that disintegrated, as quickly as we all bonded and loved each other, we just as quickly grew apart. This one hurt more than the losing the girls did because it happened so suddenly. One week we were having sleepovers and road-trips, but the next, it went completely silent. I thought my friendship with them would last a lifetime because of all the fun, happy, and loving emotions we were sharing, but at the peak of my happiness, it was instantly stripped away. Like how, in Greek mythology, Icarus was so euphoric to finally be free off the island. He kept waving his wax wings higher and higher and closer and closer to the sun, to his freedom, until he miscalculated. The heat of the sun had melted his beautiful wings and he plummeted into the vast, dark, cold, lonely ocean. At least Icarus could die. While I had to stay and survive, knowing how nice that freedom and happiness felt, and knowing how I could never experience it again. And for all of 2023, I had to mourn that lost. It was no ones fault for the group ending, just that everyone got too busy.

Last year was also the year my extended family had came over (uncle, cousin, aunt-in-law, aunt) and thoroughly fucked over my home life. My bum of an uncle that did nothing but drink and smoke cigarettes all day at home. His daughter that was a selfish, manner-less brat and even got caught stealing from us (not money) on more than one occasion. We feed her, raise her in her parents’ stead, and let her and her dad live in the house without paying rent just for her to steal from us, too? Then my deaf aunt that was the pickiest eater and did nothing but complain while all she did the whole day was watch Asian dramas on her tablet. My aunt-in-law was the only good thing that came out of them, but even she tapped out after 7 months and moved away. And so, because of them, my parents as well, had to shift their focus onto getting everybody situated. Before the extended family came over, my parents and I were really close. We had peaceful lives and relied on each other. But that all went to shit when their attention had to be turned on to the newcomers.

Not to mention my painstakingly long and exhausting feud with my sister.

All this and I was still going to school for my pathetic degree. At that point, I hated my life and needed an escape. No one in my life had time or wanted to make time for me anymore. And I think that’s one of the saddest feelings. Being lonely. No one caring about you anymore. No one giving a shit if you’re dead or alive. And so, as a last attempt to ground myself in this life, I grabbed onto the lowest hanging rope to save me from falling into my isolated abyss, and there I found AnonBlogs. For the past 8 or so months, I’ve been documenting my days; how I live them, how I view life, and letting all of my discrepancies out into the void.

But.

What happens if I get happier one day? Will I still be writing on this site? No one likes reading about someone’s successes, but we love to read about everyone’s miseries. What if I get too busy being happy to write anymore? I don’t know.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself being happy again.

I made new friends that I regularly talk to and meet up with. They aren’t the same relationships as the friendships I’ve had and lost before them, but that’s good! They’re different people and it’d be absurd to believe I can replicate the exact same friendship with someone else. These people are different. Massively different. They reach out to me first. Compared to the girls, Smartie, Baby, and Boss Man, where I always had to be the first one to call or text, these new people reach out to me wanting to make plans. And the plans follow through! I remember, when I first started talking to these people in the club, I expressed in my diary that I wouldn’t want to make anymore friends and that I want to keep to myself. But I never took into account a situation where these people would be the ones to extend their hand to me. I was so used to being the one to reach out to others first. I never considered that the other person can be the one to initiate first. These past two weeks, I’ve been out almost everyday with these new people. One day, it’d be with one person, and the next day it’d be another friend, and the day after might be a mix of 2 other completely different people. I’ve been a bit reluctant to log each occasion that I’ve been out in my diary, because I didn’t want to jinx anything. I was scared of the rug getting ripped out under me like with my old 2022 friends and falling into the sense of loneliness again.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself and believe that these new people will be my BFFs or whatever, but for now, as long as they are willing to continue to extend their hand to me, I’d like to equally reach my hand out to them. At least this time, I can be prepared for the worst. If they let go of my hand, I won’t try to stop them by embarrassing myself and clutching on to the last threads.

And also, in other news, I got a job! Technically…somewhat…

So to get out of this house, I applied to a job in my hometown which is an hour and a half away, and would make use of my fresh college degree. I had an interview with them last week and it seemed to go pretty good! So far it seems like I passed the first round, and there’s 2 more to go. We’re in the middle of trying to schedule a good time and date for the second round. If all rounds go well and I get hired, I would be able to start in September. It’s a pretty far start date, but standard in the profession I chose. If anything, it’d work out better that way because I can start looking for apartments down there first.

Since the start date would be 9 months away, I also made the choice to utilize that time to make extra cash on the side. I applied for an after school tutoring position and I actually got it! I already signed the papers with the agency. I just need to get some other paperwork in order and I should be set to start by next week! It’s a job with shitty pay and short hours, but I believe it’s better than nothing. 20-30 hour weeks for $18 per hour (I think). Even if I don’t get the initial job I want that starts in September, this tutoring job is still a good side hustle while I’m trying to apply for those bigger positions.

I hope no matter how happy or sad I am, I’ll still come back to my diary (even though I’ve been posting less and less frequently nowadays). I also hope, everyone here can experience (LEGAL) happiness as well (because you guys know I don’t condone that no-no stuff).

Till a happier tomorrow!

TLDR: After a rigorous 2023, 2024 seems to be starting off on a good foot. I pray it stays this way till the end of the year.