Don't Fall in Love: Life's a Bitch

It’s 8 at night and I’m speeding down the highway nearing 90 mph. Driving through towns and towns of butt-fuck nowhere on roads with no streetlights in sight. There’s only two lanes open and this hour is the sweet spot of late night driving; no construction has yet to begin, there’s no traffic from workers getting off swing shift, and there are only a handful of cars on the streets, allowing me to easily weave between trucks and cars. The music I’m blasting on full volume are cute love songs that should make me dream of falling in love, but instead, just makes me feel numb. The two front windows are completely down, allowing the wind to carry my hair in all sorts of directions and entanglements. The wind is aggressive and some unfortunate gusts beat into my face and body; almost serving as a reminder of reality.

“Who do you think you are? You’re a fool. You got ahead of yourself.”

For the past few weeks, I was able to delude myself into believing I had a chance at love, even though I’d brazenly declared my relinquish of it on here just 3 weeks ago. I wanted to stop myself but I couldn’t. He was cute, funny, caring; how could I stop myself from falling? Once the rose tinted glasses were taken off my memories, everything looks so gray and dull. Before, when he stood closer to me, when our bodies were arm-to-arm, I was mistaken? When I took a step back and he took a step forward closer, was that my imagination? Now that the answer is clear, I saw I took a step to you, and you took one step back away.

The music keeps playing in my ears. I keep trying to turn it up louder and louder to drown out my thought and memories, but at one point, the stereo is at the loudest it can go and nothing more. How can memories be so much noisier? My foot is steady on the accelerator. As heartbroken as I am, I’m still in full consciousness. Barely kissing the 90 mph mark, before easing up my foot. The wind keeps blowing my hair in my face, occasionally obstructing and blurring my view on the road, but I put in no effort to change my posture. The beginning autumn air keeps striking me over and over again.

“You were too full of yourself. You’re stupid. How could you think he’d choose you?”

Before, he announced to the group that he was single, but today, when everyone gathered for an event, I snuck a glance at his phone’s lock screen wallpaper. She was so pretty. And that’s all the evidence I needed to know that I was an idiot that got ahead of myself. For the past weeks and some months before, I had been misinterpreting everything. Was he a liar? A jokester? Or was I just too late? Regardless, the choice isn’t me.

Reality keeps reminding me.

“Who do you think you are? You’re not the smartest. You’re not the prettiest. You don’t have anything worth while. Who do you think you are to want someone like that when you’re like this? He can have anyone. Why would it be you?”

The same thoughts replay my head for the duration of my drive home. My exit is nearing but I don’t have the spark to come back to life yet. Just like I’ve been doing for the past hour, I wanted to keep driving mindlessly for the whole night like a dead corpse. I know that by tomorrow I’ll be alright. This, in fact, was nothing more than just an infatuation. But just for tonight, I plead, can’t I just stay in love a little bit longer?

But gas is fucking expensive nowadays, so back to life I go.