Burnout Wanna Dropout

My summer classes just started. It’s a 6 week course for two classes. I don’t think I want to keep studying. I’m working towards a degree I don’t care about, towards a field I don’t care for, and for a future I don’t even want. I’m already a semester behind the usual ‘4 years’ to get your bachelors and if I change my major now, I might add on another 2 years. As hard as I study and as much as I try to focus, I can’t concentrate. The teachers have a thick accent that makes it hard to understand and even if I really tried, I can’t get myself to pay attention.

Last semester I worked my ass off for a class and I did pass, but being honest, it’s also cause I cheated. Having exams online make it so easy to cheat. If it was on my own accord, I would’ve failed. I did study as hard as I could but it wouldn’t have been enough.

One of my summer classes is the next level above the previous class. I’m so lost. All the basics I learned in the years prior, I was only able to pass thanks to the internet. I’m sure if I try to focus now, I can catch up, but I physically can’t get myself to do it. I try and focus on what the teacher’s saying, but nothing sticks. I can’t even remember what he says after 5 seconds. I just don’t care about what I’m learning. I can’t choose another major because, truthfully, I don’t care to learn about anything. This class won’t let us take the exams online and it’ll be on paper. There’s no way I could cheat. I know I can do it if I really try but I don’t know where to even start. I can’t even get myself to read the homework questions.

I’ve tried to make myself like the subject. I joined a fraternity at school that specializes in my major last semester and calls itself an “honors society”, and now I’ve become an officer for them. I feel like a poser.

This life is so mundane. Although writing it out this scenario sounds sad, but I loved my job as a grocery store cashier. If I could do that for the rest of my life, I’d be content. I don’t want to keep going to school but I keep trying to get this degree because I know it’s a beneficial investment for my future. My feelings right now are fickle. Maybe in 5 years I won’t want to be a cashier anymore, and then I’d be out of a job with no education.

So, in the end, I don’t know. I know what I want to do vs. what I should do. I just don’t know what’s the best option.

TLDR: well if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. I cheated in my classes and now I don’t know anything.