Bittersweet Unicorns

Yesterday, there was a sleepover with the girls at Smartie’s and Baby’s place. Originally, it was just a Graduation/Going-away party for Smartie since she’s moving for her new job next week, but because of how late the party was, Boss Man convinced her mom to let her sleepover. Since she was going to crash at their place, Baby and Smartie extended the invitation to me so we could get some more late night fun.

The party was actually really entertaining. There was a lot of good food; braised chicken, lobster noodles, Peking duck, Thai coconut and shrimp salad, and seafood rice noodle soup. This, by the way, was all homemade (except for the Peking duck). The sister’s parents spent a fortune on the ingredients, plus party supplies, and plus all the drinks. Whenever the sister’s parents throw a party, they always go big. It makes me envious a little bit. Their parents must really love their children to host parties like these almost every year (birthdays or Christmas parties), spend over a grand or two so easily, and put so much time and effort making all the food.

Boss Man and I got at the party around the same time. Even though it’s supposed to really be a party for the 4 of us, Smartie told us to invite our whole families so everyone can enjoy. Also, it’s always nice to see the drunk uncles get together on karaoke. All the moms wanted to get there early to help the sisters’ mom prep and cook. While waiting, the 4 of us kept ourselves busy playing card games and board games.

I, personally, love card games with the traditional 52 deck of cards. Not any gambling games though, because as stated before, my luck is shit. I think it would be financially irresponsible of me to ever start gambling because even though I know I have a terrible poker face, I’d get addicted to the rush and the pop-rock like feeling that bubbles in my stomach.

One of the card games we played was called “Unstable Unicorns”. It’s not used with a traditional deck of cards. If you’ve ever played Exploding Kittens, then this game is pretty similar but just more complicated. We were maybe 3 hours in, still on the first round, and no where near done. The concept is there but all the different types of cards, unicorns, and rules were just too complicated. The whole time, we weren’t even sure if we were playing right.

Smartie, then brought out 3 drinks for us to all try. They were canned boba milk teas with Hello Kitty’s face slapped on. It’s pretty obvious this was just for the aesthetic with no real regard for the taste. Canned milk tea is terrible to begin with. There were 3 flavors; taro milk tea, matcha milk tea, and brown sugar milk tea. Surprisingly, there were actual boba balls inside the cans, too! The boba balls cut through our teeth like jello, and there was no squishiness aspect. The brown sugar one tasted the best in my opinion, but Baby preferred the matcha one.

At night, we all squeezed into Baby’s room. Baby and Smartie had separate twin beds in the room, and they blew up a full-sized air mattress for Boss Man and me to share. Boss Man fell asleep quickly, and was just as promptly followed by Baby. Smartie and I spent maybe 2 hours chatting. We were catching up on her moving plans, her feelings about moving somewhere new, gossiping about old classmates from high school, my situations at the house, and all the good stuff. We didn’t stop talking until 4 in the morning.

All 4 of us had breakfast together in the morning (yesterday’s leftovers). The party from the day before was supposed to be exclusively for friends, and their family was going to throw another party the day after for their extended families to come over and celebrate. Boss Man and I left after eating once we saw some of Smartie’s family members rolling in. Boss Man offered me a ride home, but I was still wary of being in a car alone with her in fear that I might make a mistake and say something stupid. I declined and just walked home. Along the way, I found a dead mouse on the street and took a photo of it.

Eating and playing the night away was fun. There was slight teasing but definitely nothing to genuinely get hurt at. This is why leaving the friend group will be so difficult. There is no fixed black or white. Everything is morally grey. They’re great people. When I have fun with them, it’s really fun. They do genuinely care for me. But at the same time, the lows are really low. Even with this amazing weekend, I still think I’m going to leave. The 3 of them seem like good match for each other, but I feel like a misplaced jigsaw puzzle piece that’s trying so hard to fit in.

It’s happy moments like this that make me second guess myself. “Were they really ever that mean? Was I just being too sensitive? Can I sacrifice some of my emotions in exchange for more happy moments with them like this again?” This is what happened 5 or 6 years ago. I remembered they were really cruel to me, but meeting up with them after a while, made me forget everything. This time, I have my feelings all on paper. I won’t forget any of it; how they made me feel, what they did to me, or what was said. I can revisit those hurtful moments over and over again, so I won’t be able to lie to myself that it wasn’t that bad.

I still had to be careful around them. I couldn’t genuinely be myself, and I had my defenses up so I wouldn’t accidentally screw up again. I love the girls to pieces, but I’m still going to leave. Maybe we’ll meet up again when we’re older, but everyone is maturing, and I shouldn’t feel the need to cling onto friends from the past. We’re graduating from college, getting into our careers, and exploring the future. I have the whole world to look forward to and holding onto people that once made me happy before can only stunt my growth.

I’m not sure yet, if I’d want to agree to a reunion later in the future. Honestly, I’d be scared that meeting up with them might undo all my progress and I’d regress into the version I am right now. Well, there 2 years until Smartie is done with her job. We won’t even know what’ll happen by then. I hope I won’t make any more mistakes with them.

TLDR: I said goodbye to Smartie as she’s moving across the country for her new job for 2 years. I think I’ll be leaving them (Smartie, Baby, and Boss Man) for good, but my spineless self in the future might cave in.