The Ones on the Pedestal and The Shoe Shiner

I understand it’s become redundant every time I talk about old and new friends but I can’t help myself.

Oddly, in almost every friend group I’m in, I have the unconscious mentality of putting my friends on a pedestal. When I was 12 and began hanging out with Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man, my mentality with them was, “They’re so much better than me. At church/temple, all the people call them the good kids. I should treat them well. I should be grateful that they even want to play with me even though I’m labeled as the ‘bad kid’. It’s thanks to them that I’m not alone. I should be grateful for them not leaving me alone.” As I got older, my mentality changed to, “They’re such smart people with so much more for them in the future. I’m not good at anything and my future is unstable. I should serve them so their future continues to go as smoothly as it should.” Because of all that, my mind unconsciously would make excuses for them any time they treated me badly. If one made a snide remark, I’d think, “It’s okay, they’re better than me. I’m inferior to them, so I should just take it.” It’s my own fault for enabling this behavior. I should’ve been smarter and nipped it at the bud, but because I didn’t, it allowed them to grow comfortable to put me down. All my own fault. By the time I realized what I’ve done, it was too late.

With my other friend group from a while back, the one that grew apart, I feel like I was a better person. Because of that, it hurt more when they left. Truthfully, I had a constant feeling of, “Don’t leave. I love you so much but why are you leaving me? I’ll do anything just don’t leave me alone. What did I do wrong? I’ll change everything about me just to keep you.” It was obsessive and desperate. They were the friend group that happened at the peak of my time with Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man. Hanging out with these new people showed me how much more fun friends can be. Being with each other everyday till odd hours of the night. Each time was a new adventure that I didn’t want to stop. They never put me down. At the same time, I don’t know if we were that close. We were together almost everyday, but we were always playing. I’m not sure if I knew anything about them that wasn’t so surface level. How was their home life? What were their aspirations?

Now I’m here. Without that group and without Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man. Now, it’s Club President, Gretchen, and Coffee. I can’t stop myself. Why do I keep putting myself down? My mentality has, yet again, switched, “They’re all so skinny and pretty. Why do they hang out with me? Out of pity? If they leave me, I’ll be alone again.” Do I even like them? Or do I just need someone to be my friend so I won’t be alone? Do I even care who they are? Or am I choosing quantity over quality? “I should do everything I can to make them like me. I’ll go out of my way to show them how nice or caring I can be so they want to stay my friend.” Am I truly even a nice or caring person? Or is it all an act? I hung out with them a few weeks ago. Everything was actually perfect. We spent the day at the cafe, got dinner together at night, and played drinking games. I feel like I love them, or do I just love having someone I can call ‘my friend’? We went shopping together. While everyone was a size XS or S, every time I wanted to grab something off the rack, my hands had to automatically reach towards the back where the bigger sizes were. Sometimes, the store wouldn’t carry my size (-ahem- Brandy Melville) and I just had to pretend there wasn’t anything I liked or wanted to try on. Every time they came out of the dressing room to show how the piece fit on them, I’d always stare in awe. Everything looked perfect on them. They all made each top or dress look so beautiful, but surprisingly they’d have imperfections to point out. Imperfections I couldn't even see no matter how much they pointed out.

Club President, Gretchen, and Coffee are amazing girls. They lift everyone up. Please believe when I say I am NOT the type of person to be, “Aw everyone looks so good but I’m so fat and ugly,” NO! I only ever say that in the posts. I’m not gonna fucking try to fish for compliments from them or something. Yet even so, all the girls are so uplifting. They always tell me (and each other) how beautiful we are, how much we’ve accomplished, and how capable we all are. They’re truly good people and it just makes me wish my mindset wasn’t so terrible.

In each friendship I’ve had, I’ve always had a similar scenario cross my mind. I would always sacrifice myself for any them. The mindset in each scenario for each friend was exactly the same:
If there was a killer with a gun and one bullet, I'd tell the killer to use it on me. My thought was always, “These people are good people that deserve their lives, but not me. I love them so much, I’d be willing to die for them.” This scenario had recently popped up in my head for Club President, Gretchen, and Coffee. On the other side, this scenario had recently changed in my head for Baby, Smartie, and Boss Man. I wouldn’t sacrifice myself for them anymore. (Although the scenario still holds positive to the 2022 friend group as well as Metal and Pretty.)

Surprisingly, Metal and Pretty are the 2 most healthiest friendships I have. For some reason, when I think of them, we’re all on an equal footing. I’m not even sure why. I’m gonna stop this post here before I start becoming even more confused.