Pent Up Horniness

I’m on my period right now. I hate it. The fact that I get the most horny when I’m menstruating (probably due to the hormones) and I can’t do anything about it makes me second guess my desperation. Blood isn’t THAT big of a deal to clean up right? Still, I find methods around the madness.

You know, when I was younger I was a slut. My body count is pretty low (3) but I still did a lot of dumb-dumb shit. I admitted this before that I’d sent nudes of myself to strangers when I was a minor; on Kik, FuckBook, iMessage…but boy I was YOUNG (12). I already started watching porn and masturbating at that age (surprisingly never got myself to cum until the age of 18, but that’s another story). I just can’t understand myself. Why was I so hyper-sexual? Is this normal and just no one talks about it? Or am I really the odd one out? You know, I’m into really nasty stuff; gang bangs, CNC, sex slave, BDSM. And surprisingly, those fetishes (fantasies?) were the same even when I was a kid. I don’t want to get into too much detail into what those ‘fantasies’ are like because I don’t want to turn this post into some kind of porn novel. I’m just trying to get my thoughts straight, because this is my first time admitting my secret. I don’t even know if this is something I should post about, but I feel like if I can get all my jumbled thoughts into a compiled post, I can slowly understand that side of myself a bit better.

A theory that I have is that because I didn’t get a lot of sexual experiences as a teen nor as an adult, my mind just comes up with the most extreme imaginations. I feel like if I tried out those fetishes just once, I won’t think of them anymore and my sexual thoughts will return to a normal person’s thoughts, like vanilla missionary sex. I don’t think I actually WANT it but more like I’d try it once and get over it. It’s like when Amish kids get their one year of freedom and use it to party, drink, do drugs, and have ‘sex’ because they’ve been too sheltered and pent up their whole lives compared to everyone else, so they finally let loose and allow themselves to basically go crazy.

Wanna know another secret? I haven’t had penetrative sex in 5 years. The last time I got pounded was 5 FUCKING YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS 18. I lost my virginity at 17 to my first boyfriend. We were fucking for a good 2 months before we broke up. A few months after, I started doing it with some guy at college, and it only lasted about 2 weeks before COVID hit and he moved back to his hometown 8 hours away. The last guy on my body count list is a friends-with-benefits situation where we only do mouth and hand stuff. We meet up once every 2-3 months to both get some head and that’s it.

My sexual desperation makes me think of Meg in the Family Guy episode when their house gets robbed and the robbers capture Meg. I feel like no one’s going to know what I’m talking about, so I’ll leave a YouTube URL for that exact scene. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGxOGt9P43E&ab_channel=FrogInMyBeard

In my head, I think I want all of this sexual shit done to me, but when it actually comes to play it in real life, I get too chicken. When I went back to in-person schooling after COVID, in an empty classroom, I started talking to another guy that was there. He was cute and out of nowhere, he starts kissing my neck. I could’ve had the sexual fantasy of ‘making out and (possibly) have sex in an empty classroom’ checked off my list, but you know what I did instead? I STOOD UP AND RAN OUT OF THE ROOM. I’m being so serious. The moment his lips touched my neck, I stood up and said, “Welp gotta go, class is about to start,” and ran out with my backpack. AND HE WAS CUTE TOO. You know what’s funny? When we were talking and exchanged names, I even gave him my fake name, Lia, so really this story just came full circle. Even in the moment, I did want it to happen, but a part of my brain got so scared. “What if I take off my mask to start kissing him and he thinks I’m ugly and doesn’t want to makeout anymore? What if he takes off my clothes and doesn’t like what he sees and doesn’t want to do it anymore? What if he’s drunk right now and will regret this decision the next day? What if we do it, but he sees how inexperienced I am so he stops me and doesn’t want to do it anymore?”

This feels a bit too intimate to reveal, but at the same time, none of you know who I am, so in the end, does it really matter? A part of me hopes this doesn’t get a lot of views nor land on the “Popular” tab of this blog site, because having a lot of people read about my sexual frustrations is a little bit embarrassing. So why am I even putting this out there if I don’t want it to be read? I don’t know. This has been on my mind since my period started 3 days ago, and I can’t think about anything else to type up for a post.

In conclusion, did writing all of this out help me with anything? So far I don’t think so. But if any of you reading can relate and can say, “Wow someone else is just like me!”, then I’m happy that we can now suffer these emotions together. :)