Love and Hate 101: The Art of Letting Go

-ACT 1- EXPOSITION: Love

“Blind in love.”
“Blind in anger.”

With me, it’s always one or the other. I can never be level and always need to be an extremist on the two sides of the scale. When I love someone (e.g. family, friends, partners), it’s always to the max. I’d kill for them. I’d give myself up for them. I’d do anything for them. That’s why, once they turn their backs on me, I’d get a sense of betrayal. Although, I acknowledge this isn’t any of their fault. It’s my own fault for not having a backbone and some self-respect. They never asked me to do any of that for them. Yet, I do it to myself.

“You’re leaving me? You don’t know what I did for you- what I WOULD do for you. But you’re throwing me away just like that?”

I do believe, in every type of relationship, that each person has had a distinctive moment when they have sacrificed themselves in some way for the other companion and never let them know. It could be if one was sick, so you lied and said you were in the area to deliver warm soup. Truthfully, you were an hour away and drove through heavy storms just to make your loved one feel happy. Some would do it more than others, but we will never know because we never tell each other. It’s because we don’t tell each other that we believe we’re the only ones sacrificing for the relationship and start to resent the other person when the relationship turns rocky.

“Do you have any idea what I had to go through?!”

Both sides have sacrificed exactly the same, but our lack of communication prevents us from understanding and appreciating. We’ve all loved each other at some point in time.

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-ACT 2- RISING ACTION

Recently, on the 4th of July, I saw that Boss Man, Smartie, and Baby hung out without me again. They didn’t post any photos or anything, but I happened to see their locations on the Find My app. We’re still a state of limbo where “we don’t like each other and we all know it but neither of us has the balls to acknowledge it so we’re fake to each others faces if we randomly bump in on the street”. No one wants to be the first to remove each other from the app, since that would solidify the end of our friendship. Repeatedly, I don’t care if they hang out without me, but I hate how they act like they don’t.

When I first got back from Vietnam, I had to distribute souvenir gifts to each of them. I didn’t want to buy any souvenirs for them, but my mom said since they bought some for me when they went overseas, I have to do the same as a courtesy. For Smartie, she lived on the other side of the country so I just mailed it to her. For Boss Man, she was at work, so her brother took it in. For Baby, I delivered it to her face-to-face at her school. When we saw each other, we gave out the fake squeal and hug.

“Aww it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. How have you been?” Yea all that fake stuff.

When I handed Baby her gift, she told me, “All of us should get on a group call. We haven’t talked in so long!”

“Oh my god totally! We need to catch up!”

Then, Baby told me shocking information, “Oh and sorry, I have your birthday gift but I forgot it at the apartment.” I was genuinely caught off guard. I really thought they didn’t like me anymore. Really? A gift? I questioned it right to her face and she responded, “Yea, but I’ll be home in town this weekend, so I can drop off your gift while I’m there!” I was really touched. Maybe I was wrong and I just over-villainized them in my head. I extended my sincere gratitude and left…To this day, I have not seen that birthday gift.

Okay, this is just a game of ‘Who’s the Bigger Asshole?’, and although both of us were being fake to each other in that situation, I feel like so much was unnecessarily said. ‘All of us should get on a group call’, just take the stupid souvenirs and say thanks. ‘…I have your birthday gift…’, girl you did not need to say all that, JUST TAKE THE GIFT AND SAY THANKS. Yea I’m aware they all don’t like me and vice versa, but is the lying necessary? Yes, I’m fake, but at least I never lied about doing something. When I said I had desserts to share, I really made them and gave them away. When I texted that I had souvenirs for everyone, I really bought and delivered it. Even if we’re both being fake to each other, there’s a limit to it isn’t there?

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-ACT 3- CLIMAX: Hate

I’m a terrible person and I can admit it. I’m very self-aware. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I can grab the other 3 by their hair and drag them off their high horses to the bottom with me. We are all no different. From the bottom of my heart, I wish that Baby and Boss Man’s new boyfriends will knock them up, cheat on them, and leave them both. I’ve been mistreated by them for years and THEY think they’re the ones that are right? I should’ve been the one that gets to decline their invites NOT the other way around. THEY should be begging ME for apologies.

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-ACT 4- RESOLUTION: Letting Go

Why should I care? Since this time last year, wasn’t my goal to leave this group? I’ve achieved it. Sure the journey to the end wasn’t how I imagined it, but as long as the results are the same, I should be content. Whether they’re happy or sad, it doesn’t affect my life. They don’t dictate my life anymore. I’m free. I’m too busy holding on to shackles that I don’t realize are already cut loose. What’s there to be bitter about? I have people that love me here at my side. Those people are the ones that deserve my love and attention, so why am I wasting more of my efforts on people that I already know don’t wish me well?

Maybe it’s because I’m unemployed with too much time on my hands, but by the time my new chapter starts in September, I’ll have the future to look forward to. Of course my past has shaped me to who I am today, but the future allows me endless possibilities of who I can become. They’ve seemed to let go of the past and forget about me, so I shouldn’t dwell on it all alone. We just weren’t a good fit, and that’s okay. There’s so much more in life than just them. Why focus on my anger when I can focus on my happiness instead? I need to pull the plug.

Before, I was so scared if they saw my Instagram posts or stories, they’d use it as a weapon to laugh at it together in their group calls or texts, so I’d change my settings to block the posts from their feeds. I shouldn’t care. They probably don’t care as much about me as I think they do, and even if they do, who cares. Let them laugh at my happiness. It’s not like I’m going to hear about it anyways. If I’m going to feel intimidated by THEIR happiness, I can just block the posts away so I don’t see it. (I can’t actually block or remove any of their accounts because, again, all our moms are still friends, but the posts itself is a nice first step.)

TLDR: We’ve all once loved, regretted, and hated, but life goes on.