Feeling Your Feelings
On Monday, I’m happy to see his face. Even if it’s just through a Zoom meeting, it makes me happier knowing I can full gaze and gawk and go unnoticed by everyone else. Sometimes during the meetings, he’d start to go on his phone thinking no one would notice. I did. I wonder what he’s doing on there? Going through TikTok? Texting his girlfriend? Oh no. What if he has a girlfriend? Wait! He’s 25. What if he’s engaged or married? I push the thoughts to the back of my mind and go back to dreamily watching him.
On Tuesday, all the new hires go in office. He’s usually there first, followed by me. My heart is pounding too hard and my already timid personality seems smaller than usual. It’s funny how such a big person can feel so small. I pass by his cubicle on the way to the break room and measly squeak out a simple, “Good morning.” On an unlucky day, my voice would be so shaky and airy, but I was lucky. He’s nice, so he’ll greet me back, and I’m fortunate to get to escape to the break room, because I've already started blushing. My nerves twitch and squirm all around my hands and fingers, so I clench and un-clench my fists to calm them. I mentally prepare myself for the rest of the day before heading back to my seat.
Wednesdays, we’re back to working remotely. I don’t get to see him in person, but I can still interact with him through the new hire group chat. Will he find it odd if I try to message him privately? Will he get suspicious? What if he never responds? It seems he’s very charismatic. He’s knowledgeable about the work, whereas I still understand nothing, and only got this job through cheating on exams and finals. Other new hires also seem to like him. He can always answer questions as well ask the correct ones, whereas I try to stay hidden in the background. Never volunteering to answer nor asking for help even if I need it. People in the group chat praise him and all I can do is go along with it. There’s another girl that’s a new hire as well. She’s just as knowledgeable as him. She’s interned before and is also well liked and very well known by all the company higher ups. She, too, gets praises from other employees. One of the girls reaches out to me, saying how she thinks those two would make such a great couple. I agree. Genuinely. She’s prettier, skinnier, and smarter. I feel inferior and it makes all of my loving emotions feel so silly.
Thursdays, we’re back in the office. Occasionally he stops by my cubicle to talk about work. It makes me happy knowing he thinks I’m someone worth talking to. Just imagining if we accidentally grazed our hands against each others is enough to make my head explode into glittering confetti. If this is how it is, how will I even begin to think if we hold hands or kiss one day? When the new hires eat lunch together, he sits in front of me, and it makes me self conscious of the way I eat my food. I know I look fat and I don’t want to look like a complete pig in front of him, so I start picking at my meal instead. Everyone has fun with each other and we all end up making plans to go bar-hopping next Friday for one of the coworkers birthday.
On Friday, it’s the last Zoom day of the week. I get the courage to DM him and he reciprocates the texts! We go back on forth having fun with our secret chat while the presenter is yapping away. Since we live close to each other, he offers to carpool to the office next Friday when we go drinking. He doesn’t drink so he can be a sober driver, and I can drink as much as I want without needing to worry (although I doubt I will. What if I get too drunk and start looking unattractive? What if I drunkenly confess my feelings in the car? WHAT IF I PUKE IN HIS CAR?). His offer sends me to the moon. I feel the pulses of each firing nerve hit all over my body, and I roll around my bed like a doofus before calmly responding, “Sure! :D” Did that make me sound too eager? Was the smiley face too much? And then it hits me. What if he does like me now, but meets Pretty in the future and falls for her? All the guys fall for her. I should get him to meet her soon. If he shows interest, then I’ll immediately know to stop pursuing this ridiculous love.
All of Saturday, I’m riding the high of his offer. What should I wear? How should I smell like? Should I buy new clothes? I replay each interaction we’ve had that week before going to sleep. My giggling self can’t keep up with all these emotions, so I toss and turn to wear myself down. What if he stopped by my cubicle because he liked me, too? What if he knowingly chose to sit across from me at lunch so he could look at me?
Sunday comes and my depression hits. I don’t think he likes me. I think he’s just a very nice Christian man. He’s like this to everyone else. When another girl was having tech issues, he immediately went over take a look. Is it because we live close to each other that he offered to carpool, or is it because it’s ME that he wants to carpool with? I shoot myself down and get into a depressive state thinking of how many other smart, beautiful woman are there for him to choose and realize I’m not even on the same level.
But then, Monday comes again. And I get to stare at his beautiful face, and fall in love all over again.