Devil in Disguise

So…I was going to move into Evelyn’s house in the beginning of October. I had checked out the room prior and it was HUGE. I made it to her clear that I won’t be available until October 2, since my new job had just started and I’m still adjusting. She obliged. Last Friday, as I was driving back to the rural city to visit family after work, she called me in a frenzy. Evelyn prefers my mother over me. I’m not sad or anything because it’s only right that she would. My mother is a true saint and does good deeds from the bottom of her heart and pours her heart and soul into the charity she performs. I, on the other hand, am a selfish brat. There would never be a reason to volunteer my effort or time for anything unless I was forced or if money was involved. Taking care of the deaf aunt, drunk uncle, and spoiled cousin was not done out of love and pity, but through force and constraint. Even when I’m doing it, I do it just for it to be done with, and I would NEVER go the extra mile. My cousin is hungry. There’s no food at home. She’s been craving pho. I throw a $2 McChicken her way and call it a day. It’s up top her to eat it or not, but I’ve done my job. So, for Evelyn to call me up instead of my mother must be REALLY serious. She asks me if I could come over and spend the night. She doesn’t give anymore details, and I say yes thinking an emergency had occurred. On the way home, I speed dial Club President to inform her of the news and to cancel our Saturday plans.

When I get to Evelyn’s house, she’s on her couch. I rush over and ask if everything’s okay. She responds, “Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to hang out with you.” WHAT? Was that something she couldn’t have told over the phone? I still have all my luggage in the car with all my dirty clothes and some tech gear for work cause I didn’t even bother stopping by my house since she made it sound so urgent. So she goes on a spiel about how she wants to hangout with me over the weekend; getting sushi, boba, shopping, and living together. Why would she inform me about this so last minute? She called at 7:30pm for a weekend long hangout happening that same night. I leave all my “going out clothes” in the city. All I have at home are my pjs and a mini clubbing dress I brought since I believed I was going to hang with Club President and get drunk. Evelyn planned this elaborate weekend and I have nothing to wear. She’s aware about my living situation, too, so it’s not like she didn’t know I was driving from 2 hours away.

The news is so sudden to me that I just blankly go along with what she plans. I thought I made it clear I wasn’t starting work until next month, but maybe she forgot? Then, the 65 year old Asian woman begins to talk about what all Asian grandmas love talking about…my weight.

“Honey you’d be so pretty if you weren’t so fat. It’s such a shame that a pretty face like yours has to go to waste.”
“You can’t achieve anything if you’re fat. Once you become skinny, your friends will love you, your coworkers will respect you, and you’ll get a rich husband. The key to life and success is being skinny and you can’t have anything when you’re so fat.”
“Don’t worry, when you’re working for me, I’ll get you skinny. I’ll force you to run around the park everyday and follow behind on my electric scooter. I won’t let you eat any carbs. You know, once you become skinny, honestly if you have any manners, you should come back to thank me. Listen to auntie.”

Maybe, to you dear readers, it doesn’t sound that harsh, but all those words just bring me back to 3 years ago during my suicide attempt. Those words used to be commonly said by my father (and way harsher). Some examples: “Look at you. You’re a fat pig. Don’t you have any self respect? You look like a terrible monster. It’s such a shame to look at my once precious daughter throwing away her self-worth. If you’re that fat, no one can love you. No man would ever want someone fat like you.” And those words were said everyday for a good 10+ years. It’s honestly interesting how creative he was with all his words to keep the momentum going for so many years straight. So, I eventually got sick of it and wanted to off myself. I thought, if I’m so fat that no one will love me, then surely no one will miss me. But, after that day and week in the psych ward, my dad stopped since he knew I’d just try to kill myself again. And nothing is more shameful in an Asian household than having a suicidal kid (or a kid with ANY mental disorders in that matter). Afterwards, I actually got scolded by my mom saying that if those words hurt, it should’ve been a motivator for me to lose weight. It’s MY fault that my brain was “weird” and I developed depression instead. Also, those mean words were also what triggered me to begin distributing my CP at such a young age (around 12). All the men called me “pretty”. Of course, that’s because they were psychos and just wanted my CP, but to me it proved “See Dad, men DO think I’m pretty even if I’m fat. I CAN be loved.”

Anyways, Evelyn’s never ending speech was getting to me. Other old Asian grandmas would say stuff to me, too, but it was always short. Just a simple, “You’re so fat. Try exercising.” But this lady kept going on and on and on for what felt like 10 minutes. In the end, I had to cut her off and say, “I’m a bit tired from the drive. Can I rest in my room?” since I had tears beginning to well up and didn’t want to cry in front of her. Even though her words weren’t as harsh as my dad’s, the constant berating triggered unhappy emotions. I shut the doors and began silently crying for the next hour until I fell asleep.

We hung out as planned on Saturday, and no matter where we were or what we were doing, she managed to keep bringing up my weight. The 2 hour roundtrip drive was dreadful, small talk during lunch was dreadful, even going to the supermarket with her was insane. When we got home, she tried cooking me dinner. It was god awful. Stir-fried beef and veggies, but because of her age and lack of tastebuds, EVERYTHING WAS SO SALTY. I stomached it down with a smile. She cooked enough just for my portion since old people eat very little and she was still full from lunch so I played my role- complimenting the plate as if there was no tomorrow. Evelyn takes my hand and keeps stating how much fun today was and how much she loves having me around. She said to think of the job as just playing around and hanging out together so it won’t really feel like a draining job. YEA RIGHT. The whole day I had to do all the driving, heavy lifting, opening all the doors, and pushing her around on her wheelchair/walker. Yea I’m sure SHE had a great day. I just felt like her assistant.

Then she adds, “When you start working for me full time in October, we’ll go out every weekend, hm?” WTF LADY. THAT WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL CONTRACT. What was initially offered was that I’ll live in her house to watch her to make sure she doesn’t fall or have a seizure, and to drive her to her doctor’s appointments. Then a week after I accepted, she added on that I’ll need to do all the household chores like washing dishes, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning windows, and watering her garden. I went to my mom and threw a fit because this lady was suddenly adding on more shit after we already confirmed I’d be working for her, but my mom threw it back at me saying, “Of course you’ll need to do that! You’re living in her house for free. That should’ve been a give-in!” NO WTF IF YOU WANT IT THEN EXPLICITLY WRITE IT DOWN FROM THE START. But whatever, I still think it’s a good deal for free room and board plus 2k a month. BUT NOW THIS??? Whatever it’s 2k a month. Sure I hate it, but I’m amazing at faking a smile and faking to enjoying my time. Money is money.

In the morning on Sunday, she cooked me soup with pork trotters and tendons. BOTH OF THE THINGS I HATE. Both are very gelatinous and have a very porky stink. I’m too whitewashed to stomach it down, but for the meal, I’d cut the pieces down with my teeth and swallow it whole. Sometimes I didn’t cut it down enough (because chewing it more would make me feel nauseous) and I’d almost choke on the tendons. Good thing its so gelatinous right? It could just slide right down the back of my throat, so no fear in actually choking to death.

By the end of Sunday, she sits me down and tenderly states that she can’t pay me 2k a month. FUCK THIS BITCH I’M OUT. She said, given her current state, for the first 2 months, she can pay me 2k, but after it’d be 1.5k. NOPE. That’s not worth all this shit. Because I’m still renting that $500 room in the city for when I need to go to work in office, and Evelyn wants me to drive home after every shift which is 2hrs away (4 hrs roundtrip) and I’d be losing so much more money on gas. Maybe left with an extra $600 at the end of the month. So in the end, this is NOT WORTH IT. She asked for my thoughts, and I told her I’d need to think about it over the week (as in think of a way to put her down gently). I still have yet to tell her. Planning on it tmr.

TLDR: it’s never as good as it seems